The Radical Right-Wing Broccoli Agenda
This is the unedited transcript of a speech delivered earlier today by Presidential Candidate Andrew Pancake to the Broccoli Roundtable Of Central Coastal Occidental and Landlocked Indiana (BROCCOLI).
My fellow Americans.
This November you have a stark choice between two, clear policy options: Would you rather have a government with the power to make you buy broccoli or a government with the power to make you eat broccoli.
According to conservatives, the individual mandate to buy health insurance is a broad grant of authority to government. If government can cause individuals to buy a product like health insurances, that government will have the power to force individuals to buy broccoli. How dare they infringe on the economic choices of Americans they argue.
Now I know that asking individuals to have health insurance is pretty bad. When they get sick they will be able to afford to visit a doctor. When they need costlier medical coverage they will be protected from financial ruin. And that when they get treatment—whether they can afford it or not—that cost will not be shifted to people who have insurance such that their premiums continue to rise to pay for others’ care.
But it is a pretty good idea. At least that is what the liberal Republican from Taxachusetts Mitt Romney thought when he forced the citizens of that state to purchase health insurance.
So maybe government can force people to buy broccoli.
But government should not be able to force an individual to eat broccoli.
And that is why I stand before you today. I submit to you that the conservative vision of government implies a far more intrusive vision of government: A government that can force individuals to eat broccoli.
Now I think people should eat broccoli. It is good for you. And, darn it, I think it tastes good.
But while I think you should have it in the fridge, I do not think we need government to force feed us broccoli! I do not think that jack-booted, government thugs with their government issued forks should break down your door and shove this lovely vegetable down your throat.
But Republicans do.
The Republican platform includes a plank that promises, if elected, Republicans will outlaw abortion even in cases of rape and incest. If a woman is impregnated against her will, without her consent, she will be forced, by government, to carry that zygote to term. Like the man who held her down and forced himself upon her, government would force her to succumb to the government’s superior power over her as an individual.
Republican legislation enacted in several states requires that women undergo ultrasound prior to abortions in order to visualize the zygote inside the womb.
Opponents of “Obamacare” argue that it will insert a government bureaucrat between a woman and her physician.
Republican policies would place the hand of government on top of the physician’s hand as she moves the ultrasound sensor across a woman’s belly, or as a wand is inserted in her vagina.
They say “how dare Pancake infringe on the economic rights of individuals.”
I say “how dare they use the power of government to force a woman to have a child against her will!”
Buy broccoli? Or eat broccoli? That is the question that is laid before you this November.
According to Republicans, government has the power to force a woman into a pregnancy not of her choosing.
A government with the power to force pregnancy on a woman has the power to force Americans to eat broccoli.
I stand here before you a proud friend of broccoli, surrounded by the friends of broccoli.
As a friend of the peaceful, tree-like vegetable, I know that broccoli would like a place in your refrigerator, in your heart and, hopefully, in your mouth. However, even broccoli would agree that government should not force individuals to eat broccoli against their will.
My god bless broccoli, and the women of this country.
Give us freedom from eating broccoli or give us death!